Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Disney Vacation and the Picture comparison

I wish I had better images for comparison, but here you go. From a few months ago to more recently... and I know the standing changes but I can see the weight loss around my arms a bit, face and tummy. Not a huge noticeable one, but hopefully some.

And I know I've been not blogging, I was at Disney. No jogging, but lots and lots of walking. I've come to the decision it's time to do something more than jogging, I don't find pleasure in it as much as others do. Mostly because of the whole breathing thing, but I'm going to keep up the whole moving thing. I realized after a discussion with a personal fitness trainer who wanted me to pay quite a large monthly fee for services that it's not going to give me the results I want. I don't expect overnight results, I love Meghan Tonjes with her before and after 3 year photos... and you notice the huge difference but with a happy realistic timeline.

I have a hard truth to share: I don't like the way I look. I look at my 'skinnier' days, and I feel an almost pang. When I felt 'beautiful'. And I know it's hypocritical, because I think people of all sizes are beautiful to me. Except myself.

And now I could go into a whole entire thing about why I feel the way I do, I could blame others, but really? I have no one to blame but myself. It's my self esteem.  As Kat Williams so halariously put it, "It's a thing of your mother-fucking self, you simple bitch."

So I feel I've got a couple options. I can curl up in bed, cry into my pillow about how much weight I'm gaining, how unpretty I feel, stuff my face with chocolate, beer, wine, whatever comfort food that helps me... or I can do something about it. That's the entire point of this blog, of this entire exercise. Maybe as I loose the weight the jogging won't be so hard on my lungs - maybe the doctor appointment I'm scheduling will help me realize maybe it's just from being inactive or it's a mild asthma and I can take the lovely thing to help me jog without that unhappy burning sensation that steals my breath... either way, it's time for a change.

And its hard, and no one seems to talk about how it's so easy to just.. give up.

But I'm not. I'm realizing that I have limitations, but they're not the end of the road. Time to get on the treadmill, on those machines at the ymca and work on more. To get find a class with my yogaball, and get back to bending. Find those bellydancing classes I've dreamed of taking for so long and just do it.

Today is not the end, it's just the beginning.

Anything is possible, but no one's going to hold your hand to do it. You gotta just take the leap, and pray.

Monday, May 5, 2014

I'm 90% sure I'm dying right now

At least, my lungs seemed convinced of this. I paced myself good, knowing I was gonna do two laps around the block today. Made it farther than I ever have before I had to slow down to catch my breath, but I feel like... I get in this great mental zone when I start running and if I worry that I'm not breathing right I throw myself right out of it and then the lungs start going and it seems neigh impossible to catch my breath.

I've actually honestly pondered making a doctors appointment to make sure I don't have asthma type issues. I've had a couple of broncheospasms in the past that I've had to go to a hospital and get a treatment to fix, but I've honestly never had issues between. I never had issues at all, until my pregnancy with my son and then it just seems my lungs, having never really been pushed past anything more vigorous than biking in my youth (I biked a lot as a teenager/child) then once the age of cars came around I kind of.. stopped.

Still, breathing is good.

I wasn't sure I was going to run today, after having taken the weekend 'officially' off, I put it off all day knowing I had my 'final' screening today... and figuring I'd do it.. 'later'... coming home at 9:30 at night and deciding if the smell of whatever has managed to die and stink up the air around my townhouse chase me around the block- and actually found it peaceful.

I'm not an early morning person at all (no, really. I personally bought my warning mug that states my motto: What do we want? Coffee! When do we want it? I'll fucking cut you. As seen here ) and so the idea of getting up early just to run? Not a good motivation to pop my lazy ass out of bed (as my children came to the age of being able to get their own breakfast and sit down to watch cartoons for a bit after, I find myself less motivated to wake up early -_-). Being that I tend to wake up later, I usually actually get random energy bursts at night.

I used to do the big chunk of my cleaning when my kids were little at night, but now there's someone who will actually be bothered by my choice of, ah 'cleaning motivational music'. I don't think I'll take up jogging before bed, because something says getting your cardio up that high just to come home and waffleface doesn't sound too pleasant. Mix in shower and the Conan hair I managed to give myself if I do, doesn't particularly sound pleasing either but I have no real excuse of not doing it at night if I haven't during the day for some reason now.

Moral of the story?
Breathing good.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

May the 4th be with you.

Stretching is important. Like, super duper super duper important. You can get really really really hurt if you don't stretch before you do things like jog.

Keeping this in mind, I may have cheated yesterday and jogged to and from the store I was going to get my Greek salad and considered that my jog of the day. Then again, I had to run up to help my six year old son with 'cleaning his room' which primarily consisted of getting rid of a lot of toys. And then OCD rage cleaning everything, and moving furniture.

Moving furniture, kiiiiiind of important to remember you're not the hulk. Especially approaching 30.

Even if you feel like the hulk, hulk you are not.

Soooooo. True story. Might have hyper extended a muscle in my left leg.

Getting old sucks.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Ladytimes and Exercise are good, except... when they're not

So I didn't blog yesterday, but I might have been working on my newest obsession Edgewood, (shameless plug). And... didn't run. I know, one day off back to work - but there was no moving yesterday. After groaning and stretching today, I might have run on sheer stubborn will to keep at this.

I blame my period. My second day is.. really hard. The first day too, I feel like I've been leeched dry for a good two days and the desire to sit on the couch underneath my sock monkey blanket and stuff my face with bad food and watch supernatural reruns. Or Grimm. Or whatever obsessive show I'm drooling over that day.

But today I stretched, I did good too I think and popped my ear buds in, took a deep breath.. and I didn't make it as far as I did the first day. I had to stop to walk a few times, lungs didn't want to cooperate and breathe. I always feel guilty, but then I take a few minutes to catch my breath - and I start again and I realize that I don't have to be like that guy running who's been doing it for years.. and this is one step on a journey.

Wish me luck, next week.. two laps. I'm not going to for myself to run the whole time, but twice around the loop. Even if it's a full time walking. With getting out of school and my physical movement likely being cut down while the kiddos are still in school limited to my knowledge that I'll likely hide inside for a few days before our vacation.. gonna need it.

Hope Everyone's having a great and safe weekend!