And I know I've been not blogging, I was at Disney. No jogging, but lots and lots of walking. I've come to the decision it's time to do something more than jogging, I don't find pleasure in it as much as others do. Mostly because of the whole breathing thing, but I'm going to keep up the whole moving thing. I realized after a discussion with a personal fitness trainer who wanted me to pay quite a large monthly fee for services that it's not going to give me the results I want. I don't expect overnight results, I love Meghan Tonjes with her before and after 3 year photos... and you notice the huge difference but with a happy realistic timeline.
I have a hard truth to share: I don't like the way I look. I look at my 'skinnier' days, and I feel an almost pang. When I felt 'beautiful'. And I know it's hypocritical, because I think people of all sizes are beautiful to me. Except myself.
And now I could go into a whole entire thing about why I feel the way I do, I could blame others, but really? I have no one to blame but myself. It's my self esteem. As Kat Williams so halariously put it, "It's a thing of your mother-fucking self, you simple bitch."
So I feel I've got a couple options. I can curl up in bed, cry into my pillow about how much weight I'm gaining, how unpretty I feel, stuff my face with chocolate, beer, wine, whatever comfort food that helps me... or I can do something about it. That's the entire point of this blog, of this entire exercise. Maybe as I loose the weight the jogging won't be so hard on my lungs - maybe the doctor appointment I'm scheduling will help me realize maybe it's just from being inactive or it's a mild asthma and I can take the lovely thing to help me jog without that unhappy burning sensation that steals my breath... either way, it's time for a change.
And its hard, and no one seems to talk about how it's so easy to just.. give up.
But I'm not. I'm realizing that I have limitations, but they're not the end of the road. Time to get on the treadmill, on those machines at the ymca and work on more. To get find a class with my yogaball, and get back to bending. Find those bellydancing classes I've dreamed of taking for so long and just do it.
Today is not the end, it's just the beginning.
Anything is possible, but no one's going to hold your hand to do it. You gotta just take the leap, and pray.